Getting to Know the In-Laws

This week, studying about the transition into marriage that brings along in-law relationships was really interesting for me. Having only been married for a little over five months myself, my relationships with my in-laws are still brand new. Building those relationships has really been a challenge for me. I am not good at building relationships through technology - phone calls and text messages and such - and my husband's family lives in Maryland. We live in Idaho. Hence my dilemma. I am a little envious of my husband's relationship with my family - they all live here in Rexburg or the surrounding area and Chris has gotten a lot of face-time with all of them. He isn't a stranger in my parent's home and interacts with my family very naturally. It has not been so easy for me. 

So, when in-laws came up as the topic this week I was excited to see what our material said about building those relationships. I really want to have strong relationships with my in-laws and do believe I can get there eventually, but it will require some stepping out of my comfort zone! For Christmas this year we are flying back east to celebrate the holiday with my husband's family and I am excited for the opportunity for some in-person interaction. I know, personally, I build relationships more easily that way. I have also been taking a class in Spanish this semester - my mother-in-law is Dominican and she does speak English really well but their whole family tends to switch in and out of both languages throughout all their conversations. Learning to speak Spanish has been a real challenge for me. I would not say that I am gifted with languages at all, but I think the hard work will pay off and help me feel more like part of the family!

Family Council

All semester family councils have continued to pop up in all of my classes that pertain to my major. Having a formal family council is not something I have really done regularly with my family growing up, although I do remember a few family meetings here and there. My husband and I have also not put into practice regular and formal family councils yet but the more this subject comes up and I have had to study it the more I feel that it is something I want to start doing and really believe it will be of benefit to us.

Family councils are a place to bring up topics of concern or other issues that need addressed, it is an opportunity to hear the opinions of all involved, and an opportunity to become closer as a family. I think that it is a great way to make all members of the family feel involved and on the same page with one another. In one of my classes it was mentioned that a family council is a way to keep everyone up to date with the different activities everyone is involved in.

A reason why I want to start holding formal family councils is to give my husband and I a more structured time to talk about and keep up to date with our budget, our plans for the week, and anything else that comes up. We still talk about those things now but there are times when we go longer without catching up in depth on the budget or something else and confusion happens. I feel like those discussions are best held when there is ample time to talk about it, and when we are both alert. Talking about finances while falling asleep late at night isn’t usually very productive.  

Different Family Councils:

https://www.cknscratch.com/family-time/ways-to-hold-family-councils

pic cred:https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/meme-ballard-councils-1709356?lang=eng&cid=pinterest-shared

Sexual Stewardship and Marriage

This week for our Marriage class we have been discussing sexual intimacy and fidelity in marriage. This is a very important topic when it comes to marriage and yet often between spouses it is taboo. One of our readings really stood out to me, it is called Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage by Sean E. Brotherson. In the reading Brotherson shares three of four attitudes about sexual intimacy in marriage that can poison that relationship between spouses and cause problems that can lead to divorce. 

Pic cred: Ryan Cheney Photography

The first mentioned is Ignorance. "A failure to understand your own body, your partner's responses, and the essential ingredients of a healthy sexual relationship quickly becomes a failure to find sexual satisfaction as a married couple. Problems in this area of a marriage relationship can severely impact couple communication and caring, and leads often to insecurity, anxiety, frustration, anger, emotional alienation, and even divorce." (Brotherson)

The second is Inhibition; "avoidance of dealing with one's thoughts, feelings, desires, or behaviors related to sexual functioning in marriage. Many husbands and wives who have an adequate understanding of sexual matters in marriage still struggle to overcome negative thoughts or feelings associated with the expression of sexual love. I have discussed this phenomenon with a large number of couples who, despite their love for each other, have found it difficult to become comfortable in verbalizing their feelings or touching each other in intimate ways after marriage. They may have a somewhat functional sex life, but they often find it disturbed by thoughts of unwholesomeness, feelings of anxiety or uncertainty, or inability to express themselves physically in ways that are open and comfortable and pleasing to each other." (Brotherson)

The last is Ill Will; "a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness, apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a marriage relationship. No aspect of marriage is more sensitive to emotional upheaval than the sexual relationship. [...] In several ways, ill will can undermine or sabotage the fulfillment of sexual love in marriage." (Brotherson)

pic cred: Snapshots By Shaylee

I felt like these little snippets from the reading really explained well how these attitudes are dangerous to marriage. Personally I have not dealt with ill will in my own marriage but ignorance and inhibition about sexual intimacy are attitudes I made a personal effort to address before my marriage earlier this year. I had a similar experience to Brotherson, that he shares in the beginning of this article. He was engaged and close to getting married in the temple to his sweetheart when he realized that he really knew very little about sexual intimacy, which would naturally be a part of the marriage relationship he was entering. As I was preparing for my own marriage, I had the same realization and was actually really nervous and even scared of getting married just because of that part of a marriage relationship.  Giving myself permission to seek answers from wholesome sources really helped. I entered marriage with a better understanding of why sexual intimacy is so important between spouses, as well as more patience with myself and my husband as we sought understanding of that new relationship together.

The Dangers of Gridlock

Overall one of my favorite texts I have read this semester has been "The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work" by Dr. Gottman. It is a fabulous resource when it comes to navigating the complex relationship that is marriage. I have especially enjoyed reading it as a newlywed, there are so many good principles that I have learned and can apply now at the beginning of my marriage to help me strengthen and understand this unique relationship that I entered into with my wonderful spouse. This week we read about GRIDLOCK, what that means in a marriage relationship and how to overcome it. Gottman explains that gridlock is where a couple ends up if they cannot successfully manage their perpetual problems - which are the issues or disagreements that always recur and are never solved.

He gives some warning sings of gridlock:

                      "1. You've had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

                       2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

                       3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

                      4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out - giving up
                          something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self."

Obviously gridlock isn't a place we want to occupy in our marriage! It isn't positive. Gottman goes on to tell us that gridlock is best avoided, but when it cannot be then understanding our spouse's point of view is really important. These are problems that still won't be solved - that is why they are perpetual, but they can be dealt with in a positive and loving way when they come up that keeps you out of gridlock. 

"When couples are able to sidestep gridlock, they come to treat their perpetual problems as the would a pesky allergy or a bad back. They know the difficulty won't ever go away, but they manage to keep it from overwhelming their life together." - Gottman

Pic cred:http://getsokt.com/2016/06/daily-scramble-vol-257/#sthash.JUEER9QW.dpbs

Choosing to be Angry

This week I read a talk by Elder Lynn G. Robbins titled "Agency and Anger." It was a really great read and it really gave me a new understanding of just how much control we have over our emotions! We all have free agency and can make our own choices, and some of those choices include how we react emotionally to others or events in our lives. I definitely needed this reminder: that I can choose my emotional response. 

What was a really interesting point made in this talk was that we naturally have more control over our reactions and feelings in some situations compared to others. The point is made in the article that those reactions are learned behaviors - for example in the workplace we have a much higher tolerance and are very slow to anger. Obviously this is an important reaction that we have learned is appropriate in that setting. We don't want to be fired! On the flip side, our emotional control seems to slip rather easily around close friends or family. Why do we feel it is ok to take out all those negative emotions on them? I know I have been guilty of this before. 

This talk was an excellent reminder of where anger comes from and that it is my responsibility to keep anger out of my words and actions. I'll leave with this quote from the talk, I love the analogy of a recipe for anger:

"The family is also Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives. He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers."

The Poison of Pride

An attitude of pride is truly poisonous, no matter the situation. Pride can manifest in so many ways, and in so many aspects of our lives. How can we keep pride from poisoning our marriages? What does pride in a marriage even look like?

One symptom of pride in a marriage relationship is being unwilling to compromise or accept influence from your spouse.

“If you are having difficulty accepting influence, you will benefit your marriage enormously by acknowledging this tendency and talking about it with your spouse. Nobody can change old habits overnight. But if you’re able to take responsibility for your difficulty with power-sharing, that will be a major leap forward.”

- Dr Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  

Being able to accept influence from your spouse is ever so important. This allows for sharing power in the relationship and turns spouses towards each other in decision making. Sometimes it can be really hard to accept influence from someone else, however, making the extra effort does count! My husband and I were recently married this summer and we have had a fun time these past four months adjusting to living together. Our transition has brought up quirks and habits each of us have that are different from what the other is used to. We have been learning how to make big life decisions together and figure out how to share power in our marriage. We have an ongoing discussion about a future home we want to build. Our styles are very different – my husband loves the really modern contemporary look, all clean lines and edgy, futuristic exteriors. I, on the other hand, love the quaint cottage or Tudor style, ivy and all. It has become a fun practice to find pictures of home ideas on Pinterest and pin to a dream house board we share. The whole goal is to find something we personally like, that we think the other would like as well. It has been fun and a challenge, but good practice, as we then apply those same compromising skills on other decisions we make.

pic cred:http://camillestyles.com/living/diy/best-halloween-diys/?slide=6

It's the Little Things

This week we studied the concept of turning towards each other in our marriage class. As an assignment we were given the task of tracking what we do to turn towards our spouse if married, and a roommate or family member if single. Over the past couple days, it has been interesting to keep my eyes open to those little acts that cause my husband and I to turn towards each other. I really have noticed just how many small moments are involved in keeping us connected throughout our day. Simple things, like getting up and out of bed with my husband so we can spend that little snippet of time together getting ready for work before we both leave for the day. Sweet texts throughout the day. Help with dishes at night so that it becomes an activity we do while discussing things together instead of a silent chore alone. 

These are all small little moments, even mundane daily tasks, that keep us connected and growing together as we use that time to build and reinforce our relationship. It truly is the foundation for something greater and I can tell the difference on the days I don’t get out of bed and see my husband off to work, or miss out on one of the other small moments to turn towards him – there is a feeling of disconnect throughout the day and usually we are both more out of sorts by the end of the day. Truly a powerful practice to be more aware of in our daily lives! I encourage practicing this in any relationship.I know I could benefit from connecting more with my siblings, with a difference in age and situation it has become more difficult to keep the same level of closeness we shared in the past.

(The cute scripture layout I found was from this site:http://ryanslds.tumblr.com/post/16097587837/do-something-small-today-youll-do-great)

Nurture the Garden

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. you shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by." - Elder F. Burton Howard of the Seventy

Growing things require nourishment and care - a successful gardener carefully plans out the garden, plants seeds, and then continually works to nourish and maintain the garden. That gardener plucks out weeds that would choke and overtake the beautiful plants we want to see blossom and bear fruit. An unsuccessful gardener forgets to nourish the garden, leaves the weeds to run amok and is left with dead flowers and chaos. Just like a garden, relationships require nourishment and pruning. 

Feelings and thoughts are powerful, those positive and loving feelings that occur in a marriage relationship are like the flowers in the garden, they need to be carefully cultivated and nourished. The weeds that would choke them are negative thoughts, feelings, and actions. 

This week I was introduced to the idea of love maps. This idea comes from Dr. Gottman, author of "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work." In the book, Dr. Gottman defines a love map as having a knowledge of your partner's world. This includes little things like favorite color and deeper things like life goals, aspirations, and fears. These love maps are supposed to help nourish and build a relationship. As an experiment, my husband and I went through some of the love map question games in the book. We found out that we do know quite a bit about each other - but there were questions we didn't know the answers too and it was really fun to get to know new things about each other. As we went through the questions, I could really see how having such a knowledge about your spouse can bring you closer together and keep love burning bright in the relationship. 

Here is a link to the Gottman Institute website and one of the love map exercises:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/

(Photo above was taken myself in the Botanical Gardens in Boise, Idaho)

Relationship Apocalypse

According to Dr. Gottman, author of "The 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work," there are four horsemen that signal a relationship apocalypse. These horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. All of these are negative responses employed in arguing or conflict, and they just lead to more contention and even the eventual separation of the couple. It is common to have conflict between spouses and the conflict itself doesn't signal the end of the relationship, it is the way the conflict is handled. When the four horsemen are not involved, it is a lot healthier for the relationship. 

"The clues to [a couple's] future breakup are in the way they argue, which leads them vulnerable to increasing negativity and distrust." (Gottman pg. 31)

Friendship is the antidote to the four horsemen. When a friendship is cultivated between spouses they have happier and more positive thoughts about each other and it outweighs the negative feelings over insensitive actions or behaviors. It really makes a lot of sense. Friends are more forgiving of each other, and when they do get into arguments they know how to diffuse the tension because of their close relationship with each other. This is why it is so important for spouses to be friends and not just lovers. Being married and living together naturally leads to more conflict because you are in each other's space and decisions have to be made mutually. Couples who are friends can more successfully use what Gottman calls ‘repair attempts’ when they argue.

“This term refers to any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. […] When a couple has a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way.” (Gottman pg. 27)

Here is a video by the Gottman Institute that explains the four horsemen and how to eliminate them in arguments:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-_8is 

An Eternal Perspective on Marriage

“Eternal marriage is not merely a temporary legal contract that can be terminated at any time for almost any reason. Rather, it is a sacred covenant with God that can be binding in time and throughout all eternity.” –Elder Bednar

The most precious and sweet blessing of the temple is the opportunity to be sealed, for time and for all eternity to our families. The idea that marriage and family is eternal is not a belief understood by most of the world. Most of my family has been married in the temple and I grew up believing in eternal marriage and life after death. Knowing that when I was married to my husband in the temple, I was also sealed to him for eternity gave me an even greater desire to honor that commitment and always be working towards my marriage. Knowing we are sealed together brings peace in time of trial and greater obligation to nurture those family relationships.

Just this week my husband and I were able to drive up to Star Valley, Wyoming and tour the new Star Valley Temple before they dedicate it at the end of this month. When watching the video they show that explains why we have temples and their importance to us as Latter Day Saints, a comment made by Elder Holland stood out to me. He was talking about sealings, and heaven, making the comment that he cannot think of heaven in the glorious, beautiful way we think of heaven being, without thinking of having his wife with him there.

Believing that we can be with our families again is a central part of our gospel, I know I think the same as Elder Holland – heaven would not be heaven without my husband and family there.

Star Valley, Wyoming Temple 

Photo Credit: Ryan Cheney

Off to Battle

We have been blessed to live in a country with so many freedoms and rights protected for us. Those rights were hard won – our forefathers went to war and died for the rights we sometimes take for granted today. One of the most important freedoms is the freedom of religion. The early pilgrims came here to find a place where they could practice what they believed, fleeing persecution and hoping for a better life. As the world moves away from religion in general, that freedom is in jeopardy. Now everyone has a right to believe as they will. If it is their belief that there is no higher power that is just fine. Forcing in on another is when it becomes an issue.

So how do we protect our freedom of religion while not overstepping onto someone else’s? I think being slow to anger and keeping an open mind goes a long way. Also protecting freedom of speech goes hand in hand with this. Freedom of speech gives us the liberty of expressing our views, and it is saddening that there doesn’t seem to be a safe way of doing that anymore. Today’s media, especially social media, is a very hostile environment for sharing opinions. There are people who try to offend and degrade anything that doesn’t match their view. It is really starting to tear people apart.

“Extreme voices polarize and create resentment and fear by emphasizing what is nonnegotiable and by suggesting that the desired outcome is to disable the adversary and achieve absolute victory. Such outcomes are rarely attainable and never preferable to living together in mutual understanding and peace.”

–Elder Oaks (The Boundary Between Church and State)

I love this quote. We are encouraged to share our beliefs on social media and to stand up for what we believe and I think that is good and necessary. We defend traditional marriage and the family. However, like Elder Oaks mentions, extreme voices do not bring about compromise and good will. They create a tense, hostile environment for sharing opinions and beliefs and work only toward winning at the cost of the other. 

Topic Trending: Marriage v. Divorce

Today 40-50% of marriages will end in divorce. That statistic sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It causes doubt and fear for those contemplating marriage, causing them to think that they could be doomed to be part of that statistic. It also can be an excuse: “If half of all marriages supposedly end in divorce, this was inevitable. It isn’t worth fixing. We just aren’t meant to be.” What a dark cloud to have hanging over a happy union!

Divorce is very much a part of modern society – it is no longer the social taboo it once was. People expect it to happen, and they know at least one couple of close acquaintance who has gone through a divorce, if not more than one couple. Because of the wide acceptance of divorce, and also modern laws like no-fault divorce that make it easy to break marital ties, marriage is now viewed less and less as a permanent institution. It is just another relationship that can be easily dissolved. How can we change that view? How can we remind people that marriage is amazing, and happy marriages are possible! It does not have to end in divorce, there doesn’t need to be that dark cloud of anxiety and doubt hanging over the idea of marriage.

There are two insights that seem to always pop up when marriage/divorce is discussed:

1. Communication kills divorce, not marriage. Couples who can talk about their problems in a constructive way are one step closer to resolving those differences. Your spouse should be your best friend and best friends know how to talk with one another.
2. Rearview mirrors are for quick glances, not intense study. If you drive forwards while constantly focusing backwards you will inevitably crash. The past can only be forgiven and forgotten, not changed. The future holds that power, continue looking forward. Focusing on negative past behaviors feeds a grudge and unresolved grudges can kill a marriage.

I really believe that if we focus on strengthening communication, and looking forward to the possibilities of a new day that we can nurture happy, healthy, and lasting marriages.

“A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and woman committed to strive together towards perfection.”

 – Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Photo Cred: Ryan Cheney Photograpy