The Dangers of Gridlock

Overall one of my favorite texts I have read this semester has been "The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work" by Dr. Gottman. It is a fabulous resource when it comes to navigating the complex relationship that is marriage. I have especially enjoyed reading it as a newlywed, there are so many good principles that I have learned and can apply now at the beginning of my marriage to help me strengthen and understand this unique relationship that I entered into with my wonderful spouse. This week we read about GRIDLOCK, what that means in a marriage relationship and how to overcome it. Gottman explains that gridlock is where a couple ends up if they cannot successfully manage their perpetual problems - which are the issues or disagreements that always recur and are never solved.

He gives some warning sings of gridlock:

                      "1. You've had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

                       2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

                       3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

                      4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out - giving up
                          something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self."

Obviously gridlock isn't a place we want to occupy in our marriage! It isn't positive. Gottman goes on to tell us that gridlock is best avoided, but when it cannot be then understanding our spouse's point of view is really important. These are problems that still won't be solved - that is why they are perpetual, but they can be dealt with in a positive and loving way when they come up that keeps you out of gridlock. 

"When couples are able to sidestep gridlock, they come to treat their perpetual problems as the would a pesky allergy or a bad back. They know the difficulty won't ever go away, but they manage to keep it from overwhelming their life together." - Gottman

Pic cred:http://getsokt.com/2016/06/daily-scramble-vol-257/#sthash.JUEER9QW.dpbs