Sexual Stewardship and Marriage

This week for our Marriage class we have been discussing sexual intimacy and fidelity in marriage. This is a very important topic when it comes to marriage and yet often between spouses it is taboo. One of our readings really stood out to me, it is called Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage by Sean E. Brotherson. In the reading Brotherson shares three of four attitudes about sexual intimacy in marriage that can poison that relationship between spouses and cause problems that can lead to divorce. 

Pic cred: Ryan Cheney Photography

The first mentioned is Ignorance. "A failure to understand your own body, your partner's responses, and the essential ingredients of a healthy sexual relationship quickly becomes a failure to find sexual satisfaction as a married couple. Problems in this area of a marriage relationship can severely impact couple communication and caring, and leads often to insecurity, anxiety, frustration, anger, emotional alienation, and even divorce." (Brotherson)

The second is Inhibition; "avoidance of dealing with one's thoughts, feelings, desires, or behaviors related to sexual functioning in marriage. Many husbands and wives who have an adequate understanding of sexual matters in marriage still struggle to overcome negative thoughts or feelings associated with the expression of sexual love. I have discussed this phenomenon with a large number of couples who, despite their love for each other, have found it difficult to become comfortable in verbalizing their feelings or touching each other in intimate ways after marriage. They may have a somewhat functional sex life, but they often find it disturbed by thoughts of unwholesomeness, feelings of anxiety or uncertainty, or inability to express themselves physically in ways that are open and comfortable and pleasing to each other." (Brotherson)

The last is Ill Will; "a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness, apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a marriage relationship. No aspect of marriage is more sensitive to emotional upheaval than the sexual relationship. [...] In several ways, ill will can undermine or sabotage the fulfillment of sexual love in marriage." (Brotherson)

pic cred: Snapshots By Shaylee

I felt like these little snippets from the reading really explained well how these attitudes are dangerous to marriage. Personally I have not dealt with ill will in my own marriage but ignorance and inhibition about sexual intimacy are attitudes I made a personal effort to address before my marriage earlier this year. I had a similar experience to Brotherson, that he shares in the beginning of this article. He was engaged and close to getting married in the temple to his sweetheart when he realized that he really knew very little about sexual intimacy, which would naturally be a part of the marriage relationship he was entering. As I was preparing for my own marriage, I had the same realization and was actually really nervous and even scared of getting married just because of that part of a marriage relationship.  Giving myself permission to seek answers from wholesome sources really helped. I entered marriage with a better understanding of why sexual intimacy is so important between spouses, as well as more patience with myself and my husband as we sought understanding of that new relationship together.

The Dangers of Gridlock

Overall one of my favorite texts I have read this semester has been "The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work" by Dr. Gottman. It is a fabulous resource when it comes to navigating the complex relationship that is marriage. I have especially enjoyed reading it as a newlywed, there are so many good principles that I have learned and can apply now at the beginning of my marriage to help me strengthen and understand this unique relationship that I entered into with my wonderful spouse. This week we read about GRIDLOCK, what that means in a marriage relationship and how to overcome it. Gottman explains that gridlock is where a couple ends up if they cannot successfully manage their perpetual problems - which are the issues or disagreements that always recur and are never solved.

He gives some warning sings of gridlock:

                      "1. You've had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

                       2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

                       3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

                      4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out - giving up
                          something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self."

Obviously gridlock isn't a place we want to occupy in our marriage! It isn't positive. Gottman goes on to tell us that gridlock is best avoided, but when it cannot be then understanding our spouse's point of view is really important. These are problems that still won't be solved - that is why they are perpetual, but they can be dealt with in a positive and loving way when they come up that keeps you out of gridlock. 

"When couples are able to sidestep gridlock, they come to treat their perpetual problems as the would a pesky allergy or a bad back. They know the difficulty won't ever go away, but they manage to keep it from overwhelming their life together." - Gottman

Pic cred:http://getsokt.com/2016/06/daily-scramble-vol-257/#sthash.JUEER9QW.dpbs

Choosing to be Angry

This week I read a talk by Elder Lynn G. Robbins titled "Agency and Anger." It was a really great read and it really gave me a new understanding of just how much control we have over our emotions! We all have free agency and can make our own choices, and some of those choices include how we react emotionally to others or events in our lives. I definitely needed this reminder: that I can choose my emotional response. 

What was a really interesting point made in this talk was that we naturally have more control over our reactions and feelings in some situations compared to others. The point is made in the article that those reactions are learned behaviors - for example in the workplace we have a much higher tolerance and are very slow to anger. Obviously this is an important reaction that we have learned is appropriate in that setting. We don't want to be fired! On the flip side, our emotional control seems to slip rather easily around close friends or family. Why do we feel it is ok to take out all those negative emotions on them? I know I have been guilty of this before. 

This talk was an excellent reminder of where anger comes from and that it is my responsibility to keep anger out of my words and actions. I'll leave with this quote from the talk, I love the analogy of a recipe for anger:

"The family is also Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives. He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers."

The Poison of Pride

An attitude of pride is truly poisonous, no matter the situation. Pride can manifest in so many ways, and in so many aspects of our lives. How can we keep pride from poisoning our marriages? What does pride in a marriage even look like?

One symptom of pride in a marriage relationship is being unwilling to compromise or accept influence from your spouse.

“If you are having difficulty accepting influence, you will benefit your marriage enormously by acknowledging this tendency and talking about it with your spouse. Nobody can change old habits overnight. But if you’re able to take responsibility for your difficulty with power-sharing, that will be a major leap forward.”

- Dr Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  

Being able to accept influence from your spouse is ever so important. This allows for sharing power in the relationship and turns spouses towards each other in decision making. Sometimes it can be really hard to accept influence from someone else, however, making the extra effort does count! My husband and I were recently married this summer and we have had a fun time these past four months adjusting to living together. Our transition has brought up quirks and habits each of us have that are different from what the other is used to. We have been learning how to make big life decisions together and figure out how to share power in our marriage. We have an ongoing discussion about a future home we want to build. Our styles are very different – my husband loves the really modern contemporary look, all clean lines and edgy, futuristic exteriors. I, on the other hand, love the quaint cottage or Tudor style, ivy and all. It has become a fun practice to find pictures of home ideas on Pinterest and pin to a dream house board we share. The whole goal is to find something we personally like, that we think the other would like as well. It has been fun and a challenge, but good practice, as we then apply those same compromising skills on other decisions we make.

pic cred:http://camillestyles.com/living/diy/best-halloween-diys/?slide=6