Nurture the Garden

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. you shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by." - Elder F. Burton Howard of the Seventy

Growing things require nourishment and care - a successful gardener carefully plans out the garden, plants seeds, and then continually works to nourish and maintain the garden. That gardener plucks out weeds that would choke and overtake the beautiful plants we want to see blossom and bear fruit. An unsuccessful gardener forgets to nourish the garden, leaves the weeds to run amok and is left with dead flowers and chaos. Just like a garden, relationships require nourishment and pruning. 

Feelings and thoughts are powerful, those positive and loving feelings that occur in a marriage relationship are like the flowers in the garden, they need to be carefully cultivated and nourished. The weeds that would choke them are negative thoughts, feelings, and actions. 

This week I was introduced to the idea of love maps. This idea comes from Dr. Gottman, author of "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work." In the book, Dr. Gottman defines a love map as having a knowledge of your partner's world. This includes little things like favorite color and deeper things like life goals, aspirations, and fears. These love maps are supposed to help nourish and build a relationship. As an experiment, my husband and I went through some of the love map question games in the book. We found out that we do know quite a bit about each other - but there were questions we didn't know the answers too and it was really fun to get to know new things about each other. As we went through the questions, I could really see how having such a knowledge about your spouse can bring you closer together and keep love burning bright in the relationship. 

Here is a link to the Gottman Institute website and one of the love map exercises:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/

(Photo above was taken myself in the Botanical Gardens in Boise, Idaho)

Relationship Apocalypse

According to Dr. Gottman, author of "The 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work," there are four horsemen that signal a relationship apocalypse. These horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. All of these are negative responses employed in arguing or conflict, and they just lead to more contention and even the eventual separation of the couple. It is common to have conflict between spouses and the conflict itself doesn't signal the end of the relationship, it is the way the conflict is handled. When the four horsemen are not involved, it is a lot healthier for the relationship. 

"The clues to [a couple's] future breakup are in the way they argue, which leads them vulnerable to increasing negativity and distrust." (Gottman pg. 31)

Friendship is the antidote to the four horsemen. When a friendship is cultivated between spouses they have happier and more positive thoughts about each other and it outweighs the negative feelings over insensitive actions or behaviors. It really makes a lot of sense. Friends are more forgiving of each other, and when they do get into arguments they know how to diffuse the tension because of their close relationship with each other. This is why it is so important for spouses to be friends and not just lovers. Being married and living together naturally leads to more conflict because you are in each other's space and decisions have to be made mutually. Couples who are friends can more successfully use what Gottman calls ‘repair attempts’ when they argue.

“This term refers to any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. […] When a couple has a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way.” (Gottman pg. 27)

Here is a video by the Gottman Institute that explains the four horsemen and how to eliminate them in arguments:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-_8is 

An Eternal Perspective on Marriage

“Eternal marriage is not merely a temporary legal contract that can be terminated at any time for almost any reason. Rather, it is a sacred covenant with God that can be binding in time and throughout all eternity.” –Elder Bednar

The most precious and sweet blessing of the temple is the opportunity to be sealed, for time and for all eternity to our families. The idea that marriage and family is eternal is not a belief understood by most of the world. Most of my family has been married in the temple and I grew up believing in eternal marriage and life after death. Knowing that when I was married to my husband in the temple, I was also sealed to him for eternity gave me an even greater desire to honor that commitment and always be working towards my marriage. Knowing we are sealed together brings peace in time of trial and greater obligation to nurture those family relationships.

Just this week my husband and I were able to drive up to Star Valley, Wyoming and tour the new Star Valley Temple before they dedicate it at the end of this month. When watching the video they show that explains why we have temples and their importance to us as Latter Day Saints, a comment made by Elder Holland stood out to me. He was talking about sealings, and heaven, making the comment that he cannot think of heaven in the glorious, beautiful way we think of heaven being, without thinking of having his wife with him there.

Believing that we can be with our families again is a central part of our gospel, I know I think the same as Elder Holland – heaven would not be heaven without my husband and family there.

Star Valley, Wyoming Temple 

Photo Credit: Ryan Cheney

Off to Battle

We have been blessed to live in a country with so many freedoms and rights protected for us. Those rights were hard won – our forefathers went to war and died for the rights we sometimes take for granted today. One of the most important freedoms is the freedom of religion. The early pilgrims came here to find a place where they could practice what they believed, fleeing persecution and hoping for a better life. As the world moves away from religion in general, that freedom is in jeopardy. Now everyone has a right to believe as they will. If it is their belief that there is no higher power that is just fine. Forcing in on another is when it becomes an issue.

So how do we protect our freedom of religion while not overstepping onto someone else’s? I think being slow to anger and keeping an open mind goes a long way. Also protecting freedom of speech goes hand in hand with this. Freedom of speech gives us the liberty of expressing our views, and it is saddening that there doesn’t seem to be a safe way of doing that anymore. Today’s media, especially social media, is a very hostile environment for sharing opinions. There are people who try to offend and degrade anything that doesn’t match their view. It is really starting to tear people apart.

“Extreme voices polarize and create resentment and fear by emphasizing what is nonnegotiable and by suggesting that the desired outcome is to disable the adversary and achieve absolute victory. Such outcomes are rarely attainable and never preferable to living together in mutual understanding and peace.”

–Elder Oaks (The Boundary Between Church and State)

I love this quote. We are encouraged to share our beliefs on social media and to stand up for what we believe and I think that is good and necessary. We defend traditional marriage and the family. However, like Elder Oaks mentions, extreme voices do not bring about compromise and good will. They create a tense, hostile environment for sharing opinions and beliefs and work only toward winning at the cost of the other. 

Topic Trending: Marriage v. Divorce

Today 40-50% of marriages will end in divorce. That statistic sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It causes doubt and fear for those contemplating marriage, causing them to think that they could be doomed to be part of that statistic. It also can be an excuse: “If half of all marriages supposedly end in divorce, this was inevitable. It isn’t worth fixing. We just aren’t meant to be.” What a dark cloud to have hanging over a happy union!

Divorce is very much a part of modern society – it is no longer the social taboo it once was. People expect it to happen, and they know at least one couple of close acquaintance who has gone through a divorce, if not more than one couple. Because of the wide acceptance of divorce, and also modern laws like no-fault divorce that make it easy to break marital ties, marriage is now viewed less and less as a permanent institution. It is just another relationship that can be easily dissolved. How can we change that view? How can we remind people that marriage is amazing, and happy marriages are possible! It does not have to end in divorce, there doesn’t need to be that dark cloud of anxiety and doubt hanging over the idea of marriage.

There are two insights that seem to always pop up when marriage/divorce is discussed:

1. Communication kills divorce, not marriage. Couples who can talk about their problems in a constructive way are one step closer to resolving those differences. Your spouse should be your best friend and best friends know how to talk with one another.
2. Rearview mirrors are for quick glances, not intense study. If you drive forwards while constantly focusing backwards you will inevitably crash. The past can only be forgiven and forgotten, not changed. The future holds that power, continue looking forward. Focusing on negative past behaviors feeds a grudge and unresolved grudges can kill a marriage.

I really believe that if we focus on strengthening communication, and looking forward to the possibilities of a new day that we can nurture happy, healthy, and lasting marriages.

“A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and woman committed to strive together towards perfection.”

 – Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Photo Cred: Ryan Cheney Photograpy