According to Dr. Gottman, author of "The 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work," there are four horsemen that signal a relationship apocalypse. These horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. All of these are negative responses employed in arguing or conflict, and they just lead to more contention and even the eventual separation of the couple. It is common to have conflict between spouses and the conflict itself doesn't signal the end of the relationship, it is the way the conflict is handled. When the four horsemen are not involved, it is a lot healthier for the relationship.
"The clues to [a couple's] future breakup are in the way they argue, which leads them vulnerable to increasing negativity and distrust." (Gottman pg. 31)
Friendship is the antidote to the four horsemen. When a friendship is cultivated between spouses they have happier and more positive thoughts about each other and it outweighs the negative feelings over insensitive actions or behaviors. It really makes a lot of sense. Friends are more forgiving of each other, and when they do get into arguments they know how to diffuse the tension because of their close relationship with each other. This is why it is so important for spouses to be friends and not just lovers. Being married and living together naturally leads to more conflict because you are in each other's space and decisions have to be made mutually. Couples who are friends can more successfully use what Gottman calls ‘repair attempts’ when they argue.
“This term refers to any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. […] When a couple has a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way.” (Gottman pg. 27)
Here is a video by the Gottman Institute that explains the four horsemen and how to eliminate them in arguments:
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